October 12 | Kim Hart

 

I know I don’t have the luxury of time.
I’m vacillating—again. Is any decision this important? There is limited time and I’ve already used up half of it, and not constructively either. There are solutions, of course, there always are. I just need to pluck one out of the air and run with it. But which one?
My palms are sweating. What I do next here, may have lasting ramifications. And if I make the ‘wrong’ decision, no one will ever forgive me. I envision a domino effect, this could continue on through my life; this one decision, good or bad, has the possibility of affecting me forever. Life is a game, a series of plays. How come I keep making them all perplexing? Well, now I’ve wasted all that time, now what?

Half the sand is through the hour-glass, these are the days of my life. The precious moments I’m spending procrastinating, worrying needlessly, are adding up to so many wasted opportunities. I constantly hear doors of opportunity slamming shut while I dither. And when one door closes and another one opens, I spend time worrying about the one I didn’t go through. And so the merry-go-round goes around.

It drives me mad at night; these indecisions, these lost opportunities. Dripping like a tap on my consciousness; waterboarding me, eroding what’s left of my sanity. How long can I stand it? Even in my dreams, I can’t make decisions. Monsters chase me, do I stay and fight or run away? Fight or flight? Even my subconscious is indecisive.

I feel nauseous, or is it nauseated? Someone corrected me the other day, now I’m not sure. The only thing I am sure of is that I feel sick and I’m fast running out of time.
Beads of sweat break out on my brow. Everyone is looking at me. I wipe my sweaty hand across my sweaty forehead.
Tick, tock. Drip, drop.

This decision could affect everyone here, make their night more difficult if I get it wrong, and embarrass me as a final blow.
It’s not like choosing milk and bread at the supermarket. Lord knows that takes long enough, but those decisions only affect me. Milk? Well, there’s full cream, no-fat, low-fat, lactose-free, soy, almond, rice, organic, raw, kefir, even hemp. Twenty minutes later, I need bread; white, wholemeal, wholegrain, soy and linseed, five seeds, ancient grains, low G.I., high fibre. Forty minutes later, do I really need shampoo this week?
Let me tell you a secret, something I’ve never shared—I once dated four women at the same time. Couldn’t choose between them. Nearly killed me! And so did they when they found out.

“Jack, come on man. Your time’s up. Put down a word, any word. I’m begging you. It’s just a game.”
“Okay, okay. I’ll use that ‘S’ and this ‘DIP’.
S-E-R-E-N-D-I-P-I-T-Y
Two triple word scores and fifty points for using all seven tiles. One hundred and ninety-four points.”
Indecisiveness has finally proved quite lucrative.